Hot chicks with glasses

hello blog…long time no talk…haveing a fucking AWESOME week with friends new and old…god i wish everyone could be in the same place sometimes, but so happy to get to see people for a bit at least.  makes you see what really is important.  sometimes having a fucking blue with an old chum is better than gold.

anyway, on to my announcement.  im going to be switching blog spaces to myspace.  its easier and im on there all the fucking time.  sure, it puts me out there more but whatever.  im entitled to say what i want, where i want.  so there.

and now on to new years resolutions since i only really kept one from last year….which seems like yesterday.("try to keep toxic boys out of your life." booya!)

ive also learned a lot–like who the real people are in your life, and who are not.  and not to get so pissed about that once its discovered.  now i have a healthy plate of really good friends.  that also, is the best thing ever when you’ve been starved for it your whole life.

ok now this year.

# fucking 1.  the weight issue.  really need to get on this this year.  20 pounds.  at least.  finally.  i really really need to do it.

#2. dont be so late all the time.

#3. get a good job.

i think those are grandiose enough.  im excited for this year.  it just seems….enlightened or something…promising. 

oh yeah #4, keep up with music.  even more.

ok so i wrote this yesterday and needed to get it in print.  so i am.

butterflies and fingertips

lightning bolts and cannon balls

serene extremeties of extraordinary fate

entrined in rebounding hope

of lighthearted agreements.

peace out and happy new year all…keep it realz and catch me on myspace.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

man, i love kenny sometimes. even if he is calling me at 430 in the morning to hear my most recent dilemma. man that kid is my stand up best friend. i dont know what id do without him. 

‘do you realize?’

things to be happy about…

1. amy, melinda, kenny and tim are ALLL coming home real real soon. yay!

2. my interview at WGR 550 went well. I really like andy, the pd there.  He said he feels I have passion.  That made me happy. He’s thinking of putting my onair one day a week for 2020 sports updates.

3. New York was awesome.  I saw the big tree and all of rockefeller center smelled like pine.  I bought a bear wearing plaid flannel pajamas from FAO Shwartz–which was the coolest place ever.  How many toy stores have an ice cream parlor AND penny candy shop inside?  new york was so beautiful it made me crazy.  I miss it and keep getting the hankering to move there now more than ever, even though sometimes I feel like I couldnt make it. 

4. sabres play tomarrow!!!

happy for the moment. now need a nap.

falalalalala

more drama at 1 bills drive.

its really sad.  this is the most unravelled i remember the organization since the bickering bills of the late 1980s.  it almost comical. 

the fascists in charge of the team are considering suspending eric moulds. an excellent veteran and leader of the team, after the embarrassing loss this week in miami.  who knows what the hell happened? he spoke hismind and i am pretty sure that the coach and organization didnt want to tolerate it.  poor moulds has to meet with ole daddy wilson.  retarded. makes me sad for not only moulds, but the legacy of the organization.

and donahoe called fans a bunch of jerks on monday.

jesus christmas. what isgoing on there?!

thank god for the sabes.

and ub.

and well, bonnies basketball actually

this just in: eric moulds is the lead story on espn.  ugh how humilliating for our city once again.

sometimes things are just ok. and honestly, thats perfectly fine with me.  no horrible, no outlandishly awesome, but pretty ok.  and that works great

ok, so spur of the moment, just by chance, tim messages me to ask if i would like to join him in nyc next weekend.

FREE HOTEL.

um, yeah?! especially since my mom and aunt ditched our ny trip this year….

anyway, so he books the hotel.  WE ARE STAYING AT THE W TIMES SQUARE HOTEL. FOR FREE. THE W. ITS FUCKING AMAZING.

tim is my god for today.  and next saturday.

how the hell do you repay someone for THAT?!

i am going to be a princess next weekend instead of dorky old-shoe nicole.  im going to have to be sophisticated and not rude.  ithink i can do it. 

sigh.  its going to be lovely.

of course i’ll be sharing a bed with a best friend who does like girls, but maybe that is even better. 

YAY!!!!

well tonight was my kareoke debut at diablo…v. fun..woo!

anyway, onto more serious matters while being drunk at 3:16 a.m. I’ve found this is the best time to write, when you are at your most pure.

anyway,

my friend sara said something tonite that i agreed with and sympathized with.  she told me the guy she liked dumped her because he "couldnt deal with her baggage and idiosyncracies."  i think thats shitty.  if someone truly loves you, they will deal with everything. 

man. i am such an idiot.

anyway, dawn was crying tonite too because her love also loves the nose candy.  and she caught him in the act, lying to her.  how embarrassing for her.  i felt so aweful, even though she was drunk, watching her cry.  having no control.  feeling so isolated from that fact.  it was so sad.  i wanted to cry too.  she shouldnt have to deal with that shit.  sure everyone does stuff once in a blue moon, but honestly, yo9u have to grow up eventually.  and he should be grown up enough not to need psychadelic enhancement.  if you need help, take some magic zoloft or somtheing.  because thats all drugs really are, a replacement for what ails you.  tonight i cried. yes i cried. while listening to bright eyes in my car and thinking im a fool. at 3 a.m. because i know there is this void, that i cant  fill with anything, alcholol, food, work, you name it.  i cant fix it.  and its driving me crazy.  i just wish i could accept the love that comes my way, but i cant.  its ridiculuous.  im glad i saw sarah though, although she was in worse shape than me, cuddling up to someone who couldnt accept her for who she was, flaws and all.  i felt bad about that too.  i dont understand why we as females are so under the upper hand.  i dont understand why we have to serve as the agents and men merely as say a dock for the ipod.  do they ever feel this way? no, probably not.  its just sad.

ok im going to go pass out and eat pizza now.  enough philosphizing for one night.

and a kareoke performance to boot. boo ya!

sorry to freak anyone out last nite, but a post is a post is a post.

some things i thought of this morning that i wanted to get in writing.

sometimes i wish alcohol could be banned.  then i slap myself. 

there is this tree in my backyard with all the leaves still on it, most of them green.  what is that tree’s problem?!

writing truly aids the soul.

its world AIDS day. reach out. get tested if you havent already. we arent living in a dream world people. we arent invinsible.

im sick of being a shoulder to cry on. where the fuck is MY shoulder?

im going to be selfish for a bit. i deserve it.

just take me into your arms and save me.

so what the fuck is wrong with me?

am i completely repulsive?

am i just a fool?

why why why why why

fail and try and fail again.

ugliness blasts through my veins, screaming for hope and endless fate.

screaming. hair. screaming. rest. no apologies. no answers. no regrets?

plenty. plenty.

i wish i could dissappear, although i feel like im already invisible.  trapped in a cold world. of visions and images and feelings that do not include me.

up and down and round and round, sunrise, sunset, dark. light? maybe another day.  happy sad and mad mad mad. 

alone.

unmistakably invisibly alone.

some lyrics from my boy, connor….

"I sing and drink and sleep on floors
and try hard not to be annoyed
by all these people worrying about me
so when I’m suffering through some awful drive
you occasionally cross my mind
it’s my hidden hope that you are still among them
well are you?"

of course? fuck

tired. of strangers. of seeming closeness.

"the alarm clock is going off

but youre not waking up

this isnt happening

it is it is it is."

current music: bright eyes, The Center of the World